Oh the peace of the darkness and solitude.

I have to admit to myself that I'm not stupid. I don't mean foolish, I'm certainly that very often; rather, simply lacking in intelligence. I feel this way about myself, alot. So much of the time I go through, my thoughts are muddled, and it seems rare for me to have a complete thought, almost never. There are times though, standing in the wind, being awed by God's presence where my mind seems to come together for a change. I don't know why. I don't know why now I can honestly contemplate my life, and I feel GOOD despite how sick I feel (stupid allergies). I can think about my life, and the things in it. Like, how I feel I'm stupid at times. Many people have seen me get down on myself about this, and maybe they can even understand a little. My memory, my attention span, my focus, they all seem limited at times. But then there are times like now where my mind feels so alive. I grant my thoughts still jump, but at least they are understandable. I can process that I'm having these thoughts for a change, and that is a good thing. It reminds me that I do have a brain, it just doesn't run at its peak level alot of the time. But then I wonder, what do I do about this? What can I do to feel focused more often?

I was talking with a friend recently, and she was contemplating times of solitude. She was debating within herself I feel about what balance she is between extrovert/introvert and likely many other things. I can't say the thought has never crossed my mind. Am I an introvert? Am I an extrovert? What do I need to bring balance to my life?

I made the realization in my recent past that I can be somewhat of a flakey person. Not intentionally, but when I'm talking with someone, I find it easy to try and grab another person's attention. I think this reflects something about myself, but not necessarily my true self. When I was very young, I was popular, but I don't remember being any kind of intense extrovert. Then came genetic defects which led to being unpopular and not really having a choice but to be an introvert. As I entered into college with my teeth recently freed of their bracial confines, I found my self to be more confident and better equiped to socialize. Wanting to make up lost time, I behaved more and more like an extrovert. For a while it worked, but eventually it started taking a toll on me. It started draining me. I felt less fulfilled socially, and tried to be even more of an extrovert. This didn't work, and I started noticing that I had hardly maintained my close friendships. Then my grades started to suffer. That was last semester, and now I wonder, are things going to work out in my life?

How do I get myself to focus? How do I balance my life? How will things work out?...I honestly don't know...and that's ok. What I do know is that the indirect, and yet completly fulfilling, answer to all of these are God. My Abba cares about me so much, and when I am surrendered to him, things just seem to have a way of working out.

So, I present an idea poem, unfinished but I don't want to actually write on paper right now, because my journal is far away. If any of you were out around 2:30 A.M. on March 8th, you might know my inspiration. (I'll tell the rest of you later, try and guess for now)

Storms and Rain and Light the Same

In darkness and clouds,
in thunder that pounds,
solitude is found.

In a clear bright star,
in the moon my heart,
is wrapped in your arms.

With a pulse of light
in a drop from heights
my life seems just right.

With a cool night breeze,
in clear skies at ease,
you heed all my needs.

In the darkness and the light
you are always there with might.

In the chaos and the peace
of my life, you have the lease.

In storm and rain, or light the same,
You are God and in all you reign.

As I stepped out tonight, I looked to the sky and saw the cloudless night. I felt at peace it the beauty of it. Minutes later, as I stood at the rail in front of my apartment, rain began to fall. I went to the corner to find that in the opposite direction it was in fact storming. I love moments like that. God was there with me. I am thankful for that.

Your's always,
마태