I'm sad today.
That is all.
Something deep.
Exempted is the excitement in my heart.
Dad is good.
Bye.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
...if I could only remember...
You know, it is just the thing that when you have a dream, you never can seem to remember it. But with some, there is that lasting memory of a few fragments of the dream. I wish I could relate to you how amazing the dream was, but I can't even remember. What I have been left with is this:
Imagine looking out across a lake, and watching as magnificent and terrifying, illuminating and intimidating bolts of lightning strike far in the distance; then closer, and closer until the lightning seems to consume you. At the same moment, you hold the one you love, yet who you do not know, close; not fearing death, but finding a kind of bliss in a moment that is like eternity.
From this fragment, come with me, if you will, to an alien and yet fully inviting and enchanting night sky to rival any you have seen in your past. You gaze upon the stars only to see an earth-like moon patterning itself across the sky ever smaller into infinity as if all around us were other Earths, and at this moment we were all in line with one another. After a moment of being in complete awe, you rush to find some means to capture this moment only to find that when you have the means, the spell is broken and the beauty no longer remains.
I am no interpreter, and maybe my Dad would not like this to be interpreted, just experienced. But I will take my stab at it. I first of all cannot find a connection with the two strait away, except one that I unfortunately do not feel I can share here. With the first, I see my desire and fear of and for a true relationship. Few things can put the terror and wonder in a heart like that of lightning striking extremely near to you. The flash engulfs you and the thunder consumes you. However, at times this is part of what I have felt in my fragmented relationships, and perhaps the explanation of the imagery of my dream. With the second, I see related my frustration in sharing the beauty I see in the world. Not all the time, but when I am paying attention I always see it; however, it is so difficult to share it. With the physical world around me it is hard enough. But how do I share the heart of a foreign people I fell in love with? How do I share relationships in a way that people can make it there own, just as one can do with a masterful piece of art? And what about those special relationships that only you understand, and you can't even say how you understand it?
How can you give the ability to understand what is most wonderful?
Imagine looking out across a lake, and watching as magnificent and terrifying, illuminating and intimidating bolts of lightning strike far in the distance; then closer, and closer until the lightning seems to consume you. At the same moment, you hold the one you love, yet who you do not know, close; not fearing death, but finding a kind of bliss in a moment that is like eternity.
From this fragment, come with me, if you will, to an alien and yet fully inviting and enchanting night sky to rival any you have seen in your past. You gaze upon the stars only to see an earth-like moon patterning itself across the sky ever smaller into infinity as if all around us were other Earths, and at this moment we were all in line with one another. After a moment of being in complete awe, you rush to find some means to capture this moment only to find that when you have the means, the spell is broken and the beauty no longer remains.
I am no interpreter, and maybe my Dad would not like this to be interpreted, just experienced. But I will take my stab at it. I first of all cannot find a connection with the two strait away, except one that I unfortunately do not feel I can share here. With the first, I see my desire and fear of and for a true relationship. Few things can put the terror and wonder in a heart like that of lightning striking extremely near to you. The flash engulfs you and the thunder consumes you. However, at times this is part of what I have felt in my fragmented relationships, and perhaps the explanation of the imagery of my dream. With the second, I see related my frustration in sharing the beauty I see in the world. Not all the time, but when I am paying attention I always see it; however, it is so difficult to share it. With the physical world around me it is hard enough. But how do I share the heart of a foreign people I fell in love with? How do I share relationships in a way that people can make it there own, just as one can do with a masterful piece of art? And what about those special relationships that only you understand, and you can't even say how you understand it?
How can you give the ability to understand what is most wonderful?
Friday, April 3, 2009
Dad is good
And all the Dad's people said?
Amen?!
No!
They said, "All the time, and all the time Dad is good."
Didn't you read the title?...well I suppose they could say that as well, but the former certainly takes precedence over the latter, but oh well.
So I wanted to talk about all the amazing things that are happening right now, and about how our Dad has been working in my life, encouraging me, and building me up to be ready I believe to go to my Creative Access site this summer. (BTW, if you know the place, we don't talk about CH on published places, and I'm practicing my publishing skills for the time when I'm in the Capital) But what ended up happening was I spent almost an hour commenting, probably mostly pointlessly on a friends blog. So what you will receive here may be a shortened version of my view of the ever growing bright spot in my vision. (I wonder if they should put a "may cause blindness" warning on our Dad, it happened to my old friend Paul. In this generation he could have sued.)
So, I don't know about you, but personally when I reach this point of the semester, I'm struggling quite a bit to keep on top of things. Like a whole bunch really. I have, listed in priority and possibly time consumption: My position as a children's pastor, my college work, ...friends..., my other intern responsibilities, YIM fundraising, and sleep. As much as it hurts me to say, my time with Dad tends to jump from the top to the bottom rather irratically. Not a great thing for our relationship, and I thought my brothers and sisters should know. But things have been changing these past couple of weeks.
Maybe the rest of spring break helped, maybe my focus on the goal of completing a 52 mile bike race, or maybe my massive over exposure to the sun a little while back and massive amounts of vitamin D flowing through my system is what has done it. All these are possible, but I tie it to another source. Dad and his Pneuma have been doing amazing things, another of them just in this last hour.
Ok, so first off I want to talk about my friends from CH that are here where I study, not in CH. The first one is the bunny, not to be confused with a cat (which makes no sense to anyone but me, and her if she was actually reading this). This bunny hasn't met my Dad, but has heard about him alot from being around alot of his children. Recently she started asking me questions about Dad, and I have to say that it's pretty exciting. It has reminded me of part of my job, and of how I want to introduce as many people as I can to my Dad since he is the best dad in the whole world. Then my other friend "the ladies man" I met up recently when I was singing with some of my brothers and sisters. This reminded me that my Bro's & Sis's were also willing to talk with people, which was a huge encouragement.
Now, that was during this past week. Today (starting around 12:30 or so) a couple of great things happened as well. First of all, a great friend started talking to me. We talked about different cultures, primarily about the one I'm working in now, and the one I will be fully immersed in this summer. He was incredibally encouraging and guiding and made me all the more excited about going to CH. Finally, I talked to a friend right around an hour and a half ago. This friend just experienced something fairly traumatic, and I hope she will be all right. But through her I was reminded again of the time when Dad first asked me to comfort someone. It's been crazy, and I'm not sleeping any tonight, but I will get through this, especially with the encouragement from all my family.
Peace,
마태
Amen?!
No!
They said, "All the time, and all the time Dad is good."
Didn't you read the title?...well I suppose they could say that as well, but the former certainly takes precedence over the latter, but oh well.
So I wanted to talk about all the amazing things that are happening right now, and about how our Dad has been working in my life, encouraging me, and building me up to be ready I believe to go to my Creative Access site this summer. (BTW, if you know the place, we don't talk about CH on published places, and I'm practicing my publishing skills for the time when I'm in the Capital) But what ended up happening was I spent almost an hour commenting, probably mostly pointlessly on a friends blog. So what you will receive here may be a shortened version of my view of the ever growing bright spot in my vision. (I wonder if they should put a "may cause blindness" warning on our Dad, it happened to my old friend Paul. In this generation he could have sued.)
So, I don't know about you, but personally when I reach this point of the semester, I'm struggling quite a bit to keep on top of things. Like a whole bunch really. I have, listed in priority and possibly time consumption: My position as a children's pastor, my college work, ...friends..., my other intern responsibilities, YIM fundraising, and sleep. As much as it hurts me to say, my time with Dad tends to jump from the top to the bottom rather irratically. Not a great thing for our relationship, and I thought my brothers and sisters should know. But things have been changing these past couple of weeks.
Maybe the rest of spring break helped, maybe my focus on the goal of completing a 52 mile bike race, or maybe my massive over exposure to the sun a little while back and massive amounts of vitamin D flowing through my system is what has done it. All these are possible, but I tie it to another source. Dad and his Pneuma have been doing amazing things, another of them just in this last hour.
Ok, so first off I want to talk about my friends from CH that are here where I study, not in CH. The first one is the bunny, not to be confused with a cat (which makes no sense to anyone but me, and her if she was actually reading this). This bunny hasn't met my Dad, but has heard about him alot from being around alot of his children. Recently she started asking me questions about Dad, and I have to say that it's pretty exciting. It has reminded me of part of my job, and of how I want to introduce as many people as I can to my Dad since he is the best dad in the whole world. Then my other friend "the ladies man" I met up recently when I was singing with some of my brothers and sisters. This reminded me that my Bro's & Sis's were also willing to talk with people, which was a huge encouragement.
Now, that was during this past week. Today (starting around 12:30 or so) a couple of great things happened as well. First of all, a great friend started talking to me. We talked about different cultures, primarily about the one I'm working in now, and the one I will be fully immersed in this summer. He was incredibally encouraging and guiding and made me all the more excited about going to CH. Finally, I talked to a friend right around an hour and a half ago. This friend just experienced something fairly traumatic, and I hope she will be all right. But through her I was reminded again of the time when Dad first asked me to comfort someone. It's been crazy, and I'm not sleeping any tonight, but I will get through this, especially with the encouragement from all my family.
Peace,
마태
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Oh the peace of the darkness and solitude.
I have to admit to myself that I'm not stupid. I don't mean foolish, I'm certainly that very often; rather, simply lacking in intelligence. I feel this way about myself, alot. So much of the time I go through, my thoughts are muddled, and it seems rare for me to have a complete thought, almost never. There are times though, standing in the wind, being awed by God's presence where my mind seems to come together for a change. I don't know why. I don't know why now I can honestly contemplate my life, and I feel GOOD despite how sick I feel (stupid allergies). I can think about my life, and the things in it. Like, how I feel I'm stupid at times. Many people have seen me get down on myself about this, and maybe they can even understand a little. My memory, my attention span, my focus, they all seem limited at times. But then there are times like now where my mind feels so alive. I grant my thoughts still jump, but at least they are understandable. I can process that I'm having these thoughts for a change, and that is a good thing. It reminds me that I do have a brain, it just doesn't run at its peak level alot of the time. But then I wonder, what do I do about this? What can I do to feel focused more often?
I was talking with a friend recently, and she was contemplating times of solitude. She was debating within herself I feel about what balance she is between extrovert/introvert and likely many other things. I can't say the thought has never crossed my mind. Am I an introvert? Am I an extrovert? What do I need to bring balance to my life?
I made the realization in my recent past that I can be somewhat of a flakey person. Not intentionally, but when I'm talking with someone, I find it easy to try and grab another person's attention. I think this reflects something about myself, but not necessarily my true self. When I was very young, I was popular, but I don't remember being any kind of intense extrovert. Then came genetic defects which led to being unpopular and not really having a choice but to be an introvert. As I entered into college with my teeth recently freed of their bracial confines, I found my self to be more confident and better equiped to socialize. Wanting to make up lost time, I behaved more and more like an extrovert. For a while it worked, but eventually it started taking a toll on me. It started draining me. I felt less fulfilled socially, and tried to be even more of an extrovert. This didn't work, and I started noticing that I had hardly maintained my close friendships. Then my grades started to suffer. That was last semester, and now I wonder, are things going to work out in my life?
How do I get myself to focus? How do I balance my life? How will things work out?...I honestly don't know...and that's ok. What I do know is that the indirect, and yet completly fulfilling, answer to all of these are God. My Abba cares about me so much, and when I am surrendered to him, things just seem to have a way of working out.
So, I present an idea poem, unfinished but I don't want to actually write on paper right now, because my journal is far away. If any of you were out around 2:30 A.M. on March 8th, you might know my inspiration. (I'll tell the rest of you later, try and guess for now)
Your's always,
마태
I was talking with a friend recently, and she was contemplating times of solitude. She was debating within herself I feel about what balance she is between extrovert/introvert and likely many other things. I can't say the thought has never crossed my mind. Am I an introvert? Am I an extrovert? What do I need to bring balance to my life?
I made the realization in my recent past that I can be somewhat of a flakey person. Not intentionally, but when I'm talking with someone, I find it easy to try and grab another person's attention. I think this reflects something about myself, but not necessarily my true self. When I was very young, I was popular, but I don't remember being any kind of intense extrovert. Then came genetic defects which led to being unpopular and not really having a choice but to be an introvert. As I entered into college with my teeth recently freed of their bracial confines, I found my self to be more confident and better equiped to socialize. Wanting to make up lost time, I behaved more and more like an extrovert. For a while it worked, but eventually it started taking a toll on me. It started draining me. I felt less fulfilled socially, and tried to be even more of an extrovert. This didn't work, and I started noticing that I had hardly maintained my close friendships. Then my grades started to suffer. That was last semester, and now I wonder, are things going to work out in my life?
How do I get myself to focus? How do I balance my life? How will things work out?...I honestly don't know...and that's ok. What I do know is that the indirect, and yet completly fulfilling, answer to all of these are God. My Abba cares about me so much, and when I am surrendered to him, things just seem to have a way of working out.
So, I present an idea poem, unfinished but I don't want to actually write on paper right now, because my journal is far away. If any of you were out around 2:30 A.M. on March 8th, you might know my inspiration. (I'll tell the rest of you later, try and guess for now)
Storms and Rain and Light the SameAs I stepped out tonight, I looked to the sky and saw the cloudless night. I felt at peace it the beauty of it. Minutes later, as I stood at the rail in front of my apartment, rain began to fall. I went to the corner to find that in the opposite direction it was in fact storming. I love moments like that. God was there with me. I am thankful for that.
In darkness and clouds,
in thunder that pounds,
solitude is found.
In a clear bright star,
in the moon my heart,
is wrapped in your arms.
With a pulse of light
in a drop from heights
my life seems just right.
With a cool night breeze,
in clear skies at ease,
you heed all my needs.
In the darkness and the light
you are always there with might.
In the chaos and the peace
of my life, you have the lease.
In storm and rain, or light the same,
You are God and in all you reign.
Your's always,
마태
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Journaling
From time to time, it seems beneficial to look back through my journal to see what all I wrote about in my life, and it seems that I skip a lot. As this blog will likely show over time, I usually only write when I'm overly emotional. Fortunately for you, that isn't today, however I wanted to share a little bit from my journal and thereby you will hear from my life.
I was at first thinking of sharing on my years of problems with the female gender, but I think I would rather share on some of my positive experiences. Namely, Africa. It's a wonderful place if you haven't heard, at least where I was at. But that is of course an opinion, and you can make your own judgments if you visit someday. I'm going to give you two excerpts from my time there.
7/12/07 10:30 P.M
In Him,
마태
I was at first thinking of sharing on my years of problems with the female gender, but I think I would rather share on some of my positive experiences. Namely, Africa. It's a wonderful place if you haven't heard, at least where I was at. But that is of course an opinion, and you can make your own judgments if you visit someday. I'm going to give you two excerpts from my time there.
7/12/07 10:30 P.M
...Everywhere we go, I notice that people are always very thankful to have us. Especially when we teach, people talk about how much we have changed them through our teaching. Even Chanda says that what we have taught and the things we have done has changed his life forever. God, it is so crazy to see the impact that we have been able to have. I know that it isn't because of what we are capable of doing, but because of what you are doing. God, you have been here with us so wonderfully, helping us, guiding us, loving us. This summer would have been horrible if it hadn't been for you. Thank you for helping our team. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for growing my faith...I want to be more thankful to you than worried about my problems. I love you7/19/07 6:20 AM
Well Father, it's another day but not like any other. We are on our way back from Mansa, and personally I am very sad. We are leaving all the friends we made in the past weeks [and having a short vacation]...and in 6 days we are leaving Zambia. I can't believe we have already left Mansa. Before, I didn't think that it had set in that I was in Africa, now I don't think it has set in that we are leaving. But from now on, it isn't going to be anything the same.How it was different, especially at first, but even to this day I sometimes still notice. I don't know how to express the joy and fulfillment I felt when I was there. Let it just be said that I saw God more clearly then than I had ever before or have since. Not that things were perfect between the two of us, but I think in those times I pursued God's will much more diligently, and it's sad I don't still pursue Him as closely now. I pray often though that I will, because it is at those times that God used me the most as well, and that is when I feel fulfilled. That is when I am completly suffused with the joy that only comes from Him. I hope you too will see the heart of what I felt, and maybe seek to be in His will more closely every day. I will be doing the same.
In Him,
마태
Friday, January 16, 2009
Ouch!
One thing I forgot was that there might be sad things to talk about. It's much more difficult to be open about what hurts you, but those things that make you happy are so easy to talk about. Ridiculous that I should be saying this so soon, but more details may be provided later. As always, I leave with my heart on my sleeve.
In Christ,
마태
In Christ,
마태
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