ah forget about Love that will never happen. At least that is what I had been telling myself for that past 2-3 years. Maybe not all the time, but the majority of the time, I felt it. Well, this means more than just this past week where I have seen the most drastic change. But it even refers to the past months where I had gotten to the point of believing that I was not loved, maybe not even by God. I knew better than that, but depression can be ugly, even if it is only mild. What this means, however, started in the last month or so of last semester. I started accepting that I was loved again. Not buy a woman necessarily, but by friends, and most importantly by God. I had become so shallow that even the relationships that I valued most were merely a hint of what they had been. As time past, and remembered again to seek God's guidance, I found myself falling in love with my friends again; with God again. I am so overwhelmingly thankful to those who care about me. Those who I can talk to about something completely pointless or something that is tearing at my heart. God blessed me with a couple of those, and for that I am thankful. Then, God surprised me with something else.
I must admit, I am one to be swept up in a storybook romance, but I didn't really feel that happened. In truth, I still do not in many ways. This is enthralling (at least to me) but not truly storybook, this I believe is God, not just romance. This is a good friend who a week ago I was scared to admit I had feelings for. This is my girlfriend who just kissed me goodnight.
Now I must warn you, if you are a reader and somewhat of an intellectual as well, that I do tend to write poetry when I have my strongest feelings, so it only makes sense that I should post them. However, though there is some consideration of form, I certainly am not well versed in it so I do not present it here for criticism but for consideration.
God is moving in my heart, love is moving in my heart just as God is love. This past week I have felt so much closer to my friends. In part I have feared that to some I have been selfish in sharing my own excitement, but when I get beyond that I am able to see friendships anew, and it is glorious. But God is still working in my life and the life of the one I have fallen for (tripped and fallen more like it, it was such a surprise, but much more like I have been traveling through the desert, and when nearly dieing of thirst I had found a shallow water hole, I rest there, but then I looked up and saw they lake in front of me. The lake I should mention, though wonderful, even it is like nothing to God's everlasting waters which have always been with me even when I ignore it, but they are rather connected as all waters are). This has been a wonderful time of reopenings in my heart, so I leave with this poem that I wrote to one who has been helping me reopen it.
There are many things to fear my dearGod Bless
and I do not mean the night.
No. What I speak of is much more near
and it has brought many to flight;
Though, I confess it is clear to hear
and it oft goes bump in the night.
I tell myself, "Guard your Heart!" for meer
children may take it with little fight.
At first I ignored this warning
and let my heart be taken,
but when it was returned to me
I found it bruised and broken.
So I locked my heart away
and hid away the key,
then formed a heart made of clay
for everyone to see.
Though some looked at it and gazed,
I knew they were deceived.
They even looked and then praised,
"What great gifts you received!"
I thought myself safe;
I thought myself fine.
I would not make haste
no matter the time.
But my heart still beats
despite the confines.
My heart had a window
and it still had some hope,
but I kept it below
for it might have eloped.
So what is this you are doing,
this feeling you are fueling?
My heart is pulling at it's chains,
is it screaming out in vain?
It is beating against my chest,
...but I don't know what is best...
What am I doing?
Who am I fooling?
I may fear the pain,
but I want the gain.
I will do my best
and work at the rest.
I want you as mine
and me to be thine.
No comments:
Post a Comment