Oh the peace of the darkness and solitude.

I have to admit to myself that I'm not stupid. I don't mean foolish, I'm certainly that very often; rather, simply lacking in intelligence. I feel this way about myself, alot. So much of the time I go through, my thoughts are muddled, and it seems rare for me to have a complete thought, almost never. There are times though, standing in the wind, being awed by God's presence where my mind seems to come together for a change. I don't know why. I don't know why now I can honestly contemplate my life, and I feel GOOD despite how sick I feel (stupid allergies). I can think about my life, and the things in it. Like, how I feel I'm stupid at times. Many people have seen me get down on myself about this, and maybe they can even understand a little. My memory, my attention span, my focus, they all seem limited at times. But then there are times like now where my mind feels so alive. I grant my thoughts still jump, but at least they are understandable. I can process that I'm having these thoughts for a change, and that is a good thing. It reminds me that I do have a brain, it just doesn't run at its peak level alot of the time. But then I wonder, what do I do about this? What can I do to feel focused more often?

I was talking with a friend recently, and she was contemplating times of solitude. She was debating within herself I feel about what balance she is between extrovert/introvert and likely many other things. I can't say the thought has never crossed my mind. Am I an introvert? Am I an extrovert? What do I need to bring balance to my life?

I made the realization in my recent past that I can be somewhat of a flakey person. Not intentionally, but when I'm talking with someone, I find it easy to try and grab another person's attention. I think this reflects something about myself, but not necessarily my true self. When I was very young, I was popular, but I don't remember being any kind of intense extrovert. Then came genetic defects which led to being unpopular and not really having a choice but to be an introvert. As I entered into college with my teeth recently freed of their bracial confines, I found my self to be more confident and better equiped to socialize. Wanting to make up lost time, I behaved more and more like an extrovert. For a while it worked, but eventually it started taking a toll on me. It started draining me. I felt less fulfilled socially, and tried to be even more of an extrovert. This didn't work, and I started noticing that I had hardly maintained my close friendships. Then my grades started to suffer. That was last semester, and now I wonder, are things going to work out in my life?

How do I get myself to focus? How do I balance my life? How will things work out?...I honestly don't know...and that's ok. What I do know is that the indirect, and yet completly fulfilling, answer to all of these are God. My Abba cares about me so much, and when I am surrendered to him, things just seem to have a way of working out.

So, I present an idea poem, unfinished but I don't want to actually write on paper right now, because my journal is far away. If any of you were out around 2:30 A.M. on March 8th, you might know my inspiration. (I'll tell the rest of you later, try and guess for now)

Storms and Rain and Light the Same

In darkness and clouds,
in thunder that pounds,
solitude is found.

In a clear bright star,
in the moon my heart,
is wrapped in your arms.

With a pulse of light
in a drop from heights
my life seems just right.

With a cool night breeze,
in clear skies at ease,
you heed all my needs.

In the darkness and the light
you are always there with might.

In the chaos and the peace
of my life, you have the lease.

In storm and rain, or light the same,
You are God and in all you reign.

As I stepped out tonight, I looked to the sky and saw the cloudless night. I felt at peace it the beauty of it. Minutes later, as I stood at the rail in front of my apartment, rain began to fall. I went to the corner to find that in the opposite direction it was in fact storming. I love moments like that. God was there with me. I am thankful for that.

Your's always,
마태

Journaling

From time to time, it seems beneficial to look back through my journal to see what all I wrote about in my life, and it seems that I skip a lot. As this blog will likely show over time, I usually only write when I'm overly emotional. Fortunately for you, that isn't today, however I wanted to share a little bit from my journal and thereby you will hear from my life.

I was at first thinking of sharing on my years of problems with the female gender, but I think I would rather share on some of my positive experiences. Namely, Africa. It's a wonderful place if you haven't heard, at least where I was at. But that is of course an opinion, and you can make your own judgments if you visit someday. I'm going to give you two excerpts from my time there.

7/12/07 10:30 P.M

...Everywhere we go, I notice that people are always very thankful to have us. Especially when we teach, people talk about how much we have changed them through our teaching. Even Chanda says that what we have taught and the things we have done has changed his life forever. God, it is so crazy to see the impact that we have been able to have. I know that it isn't because of what we are capable of doing, but because of what you are doing. God, you have been here with us so wonderfully, helping us, guiding us, loving us. This summer would have been horrible if it hadn't been for you. Thank you for helping our team. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for growing my faith...I want to be more thankful to you than worried about my problems. I love you

7/19/07 6:20 AM

Well Father, it's another day but not like any other. We are on our way back from Mansa, and personally I am very sad. We are leaving all the friends we made in the past weeks [and having a short vacation]...and in 6 days we are leaving Zambia. I can't believe we have already left Mansa. Before, I didn't think that it had set in that I was in Africa, now I don't think it has set in that we are leaving. But from now on, it isn't going to be anything the same.

How it was different, especially at first, but even to this day I sometimes still notice. I don't know how to express the joy and fulfillment I felt when I was there. Let it just be said that I saw God more clearly then than I had ever before or have since. Not that things were perfect between the two of us, but I think in those times I pursued God's will much more diligently, and it's sad I don't still pursue Him as closely now. I pray often though that I will, because it is at those times that God used me the most as well, and that is when I feel fulfilled. That is when I am completly suffused with the joy that only comes from Him. I hope you too will see the heart of what I felt, and maybe seek to be in His will more closely every day. I will be doing the same.

In Him,
마태

Ouch!

One thing I forgot was that there might be sad things to talk about. It's much more difficult to be open about what hurts you, but those things that make you happy are so easy to talk about. Ridiculous that I should be saying this so soon, but more details may be provided later. As always, I leave with my heart on my sleeve.

In Christ,

마태

I'm in Love, I'm in Love, and I don't care who knows it!!

LOVE?
ah forget about Love that will never happen. At least that is what I had been telling myself for that past 2-3 years. Maybe not all the time, but the majority of the time, I felt it. Well, this means more than just this past week where I have seen the most drastic change. But it even refers to the past months where I had gotten to the point of believing that I was not loved, maybe not even by God. I knew better than that, but depression can be ugly, even if it is only mild. What this means, however, started in the last month or so of last semester. I started accepting that I was loved again. Not buy a woman necessarily, but by friends, and most importantly by God. I had become so shallow that even the relationships that I valued most were merely a hint of what they had been. As time past, and remembered again to seek God's guidance, I found myself falling in love with my friends again; with God again. I am so overwhelmingly thankful to those who care about me. Those who I can talk to about something completely pointless or something that is tearing at my heart. God blessed me with a couple of those, and for that I am thankful. Then, God surprised me with something else.

I must admit, I am one to be swept up in a storybook romance, but I didn't really feel that happened. In truth, I still do not in many ways. This is enthralling (at least to me) but not truly storybook, this I believe is God, not just romance. This is a good friend who a week ago I was scared to admit I had feelings for. This is my girlfriend who just kissed me goodnight.

Now I must warn you, if you are a reader and somewhat of an intellectual as well, that I do tend to write poetry when I have my strongest feelings, so it only makes sense that I should post them. However, though there is some consideration of form, I certainly am not well versed in it so I do not present it here for criticism but for consideration.

God is moving in my heart, love is moving in my heart just as God is love. This past week I have felt so much closer to my friends. In part I have feared that to some I have been selfish in sharing my own excitement, but when I get beyond that I am able to see friendships anew, and it is glorious. But God is still working in my life and the life of the one I have fallen for (tripped and fallen more like it, it was such a surprise, but much more like I have been traveling through the desert, and when nearly dieing of thirst I had found a shallow water hole, I rest there, but then I looked up and saw they lake in front of me. The lake I should mention, though wonderful, even it is like nothing to God's everlasting waters which have always been with me even when I ignore it, but they are rather connected as all waters are). This has been a wonderful time of reopenings in my heart, so I leave with this poem that I wrote to one who has been helping me reopen it.

There are many things to fear my dear
and I do not mean the night.
No. What I speak of is much more near
and it has brought many to flight;
Though, I confess it is clear to hear
and it oft goes bump in the night.
I tell myself, "Guard your Heart!" for meer
children may take it with little fight.

At first I ignored this warning
and let my heart be taken,
but when it was returned to me
I found it bruised and broken.

So I locked my heart away
and hid away the key,
then formed a heart made of clay
for everyone to see.
Though some looked at it and gazed,
I knew they were deceived.
They even looked and then praised,
"What great gifts you received!"

I thought myself safe;
I thought myself fine.
I would not make haste
no matter the time.
But my heart still beats
despite the confines.

My heart had a window
and it still had some hope,
but I kept it below
for it might have eloped.

So what is this you are doing,
this feeling you are fueling?
My heart is pulling at it's chains,
is it screaming out in vain?
It is beating against my chest,
...but I don't know what is best...

What am I doing?
Who am I fooling?
I may fear the pain,
but I want the gain.
I will do my best
and work at the rest.
I want you as mine
and me to be thine.

God Bless